Life From Here 108. The Rat Years

Yea, Yea, Yea! As I mentioned in my last post I’m in getting another infusion of phosphorus today but I get to have it done locally and I don’t have to drive up and back to Duke Wednesday!!!!!!! Thank God for small favors…….I can use the 6 hours I would’ve been in the car to train for my upcoming 10K run…………HA HA HA!!!! Right now I’m training to make it from one end of Lowe’s to the other without sitting down!! With all this phosphorus and sulfur going into my system…..I hope I don’t rub up again a rough surface and “strike” myself….like a match….”Flame on”! “Flame off”!

I fear The “Drug with no name” will stay that way ‘cause it does not appear to be working at all. I go for bone and ct scans next week and that is the true tale of what is going on but I’m not optimistic.

When I first started the chemo Taxotere in 2009 I was also given a clinical trial drug.  Well I got word today that the combo of that trial has been abandoned….it didn’t work on anybody…..EXCEPT ME!.....My PSA went from 374 to 27 on that combo. Neither one worked independently but together…… Of course I can’t get that again…..I wonder where they dispose of that stuff….maybe I can get some black market version in a back alley somewhere.

Someone asked me over the weekend if I was scared……WELL DUH! Of course I’m scared…..I’m not in a fetal position scared. I just don’t dwell on it……except….sometimes, in the middle of the night…….when it’s really dark…….and I’m only four.

One of my biggest fears is that my other systems begin to fail. I’ve got friends that were in Viet Nam as well as Iraq and they all say the same thing “It’s not the bullet with my name on it that worry’s me…..It’s the one that says To Whom It may Concern……Kinda the same thing.

I wrote a post on fear once, the fact that even the lowliest of bugs will scamper from you..…because they’re afraid. So impending danger and especially the unknown can be very frightening….that and of course the kitchen lights

Maybe that’s why I see so many Bibles at Duke…all shapes and sizes….People reading them, reading them to each other……or just carrying them around. I get the sense that they’re all cramming for the final exam. How religious were they before and would they be that way still if tragedy hadn’t entered their life?
As I’ve said before, I have read the Bible and think it’s an enhanced history book, written by many, translated by more and interpreted by EVERYBODY!!

The affects of the drug with no name are similar to NADIR (the 3 days or so you really feel bad after chemo) but it’s all the time! Before, the 4th day on was better each day until the next treatment, so I’m not used to this. When I get up in the morning (or afternoon)…….if I feel OK then I get to go somewhere…..If I don’t feel OK then I don’t get to go somewhere. It makes some decisions simpler.

It seems now that my best time of day is 7 PM to say 11 PM….Well, Isn’t that just Great!!!!! It’s Dark by then!!!!!….Everybody else has gone home! That’s no fun! I obviously need to make adjustments to allow me to be coherent during the day assuming I'm still in the trial.

The infusion went well (it's long...4 hours) and I think I may feel better already…it’s supposed to, but gradually. I guess I don’t feel as wasted as I have for the last couple of weeks.

Next week is the moment of truth. I should know the results of the scans by Thursday. If there has been recession then I stay on the trial..if not I just go off. Problem is there is nothing new on the horizon. I wonder if Duke is the resort of last resort?


Between you and me…..come closer…..I don’t think they expected me to live this long:>).

As I used to tell my Son……If you’re not in bed by 11:30…..come home.


I really need the Spiritual Energy and Prayers I’ve learned to count on for next week….Thank you so much!  I'll be in Touch!  Bob