UPDATE # 19

I wish the news was better…my PSA levels actually went up 10 points, from 26 to 36. The good news is it could have been 20 points! My substitute Doc decided to order another test today and I’ll just e-mail those results tomorrow. It was discouraging for sure but there are numerous reasons the PSA will go up or down so I’m not going to panic over something I can’t control. I’ll suck my thumb later.

I made the decision 6 weeks ago to go off the real chemo therapy. I was well aware that things may not go in the right direction……I want to give the Clinical Trial one more chance……and if things don’t go well I will go back on the Taxotere……but, according to the Trial protocol, I’ll have to drop out of the Trial……..well hell…by then we will have established that the crap wasn’t working anyway!

Ya know, fear is a funny thing. I guess fear is a natural defense mechanism. It makes the deer run when they see or smell danger. It also makes cockroaches run across the kitchen floor when the lights come on. I had a cockroach that I treated as a pet…I pretended it was a dog…one night it had 6,000 puppies under the sink!.....but back to the fear thing…below is a reprint of a post I did back in April and I thought of it as I filled out the form for the 19th time:

April 7th 2010---Death and the Questionnaire

“As part of the clinical trial I have to fill out a questionnaire every time I come here, same questions each time. It asks questions like....are you happy with your way of life? NO, Do your friends and family support you? YES, do you sometimes feel like giving up? NO......Generally trying to ascertain my heads' well being.

I wanted to reflect on one of the questions, which is "Do you think about death or dying often?........well duh!........I'M ON CHEMO THERAPY!!!!..........what do you think!!!

Believe it or not I'm asked that question a lot mainly by close friends.... I sorta think of it like this:

Jim Morrison of the Doors wrote a book titled "Nobody gets out of here Alive" (he didn't).

Evel Knevel used to say we are all going someday, I just may go before the rest of you….(he did).

I probably think about it more than you do.......but we all think about it.

I believe I'm going where we all go.........not any time soon, mind you! I guess even the bad guys go to the same place......I think people are bad for only 2 things: they were born that way or somebody did something to them!..... If you believe in a righteous God, and I know a lot of you do, would he condemn those to eternal hell???.........Maybe........there are some pretty bad folks out there.

I don't remember......but I guess I was happy before I was born....maybe we all go back there?

At the end of the day I really don't think this cancer is what is going to kill me, maybe a truck or even more romantic.......a yachting accident, yeah!......but not this.”

I guess with the less than great news today it made me reflect and remember the post. I’m still as optimistic and enthusiastic as I was back in April. This disease may be just shy of the Devil himself but it’s also just a f------ virus…..I’m sure that if nothing else…..I can out think it!!


Happy New Year and please keep the Prayers and Spiritual Energy coming they are much appreciated! B.